There is a paradox in being an independent and strong willed woman (human) while riding the waves of perpetual grief. Actually, the paradox doesn’t just sit in grief. Why can’t we be both self-sufficient and wise yet love, love? I can be a fierce survivor – yet still love forehead kisses and hand holding. I’m not one or the other – I’m both.
It took me a long time to acknowledge. That I could be both a woman of strength – and also have this very broken piece. As you may know by now, I ride the surf when it comes to my process. I now know how fluid feelings are. They come, they go. But the grief is constant. On the simple days I’m treading water. I still have to work harder to stay above the surface but I can breathe on my own. On the difficult ones – I’m kicking my feet in search for the bottom of the choppy waters, gasping for air.
It is camouflaged by a 1 bedroom apartment in the city, an amazing support system, a job that provides freedom for adventures and a lot of under eye concealer. I’m grateful for these things. They make my life better. They aren’t a cure – and that’s OK.
I read something recently that said you simply cannot be sad when you are shedding tears of gratitude. Well, I’m living proof that is not true. I feel gratitude in the same constant way I grieve. It comes in waves, sometimes the little ones that crash on your feet in the bay. Sometimes my gratitude overwhelms me but my heart still sinks.
Why can’t we allow ourselves and each other to be dynamic? To find balance? Pain & love. Adventures & cozy nights in. Strong but broken. Well loved & lonely. Whiskey & tea.
Life is a paradox – after any form of loss. We move forward – we don’t move on. We learn. With our new knowledge comes new perspective so we grow and change. The only way to get full value from the growth associated with loss is to accept we can feel many things. Don’t shy away from unknown feelings but move towards them. Once we find comfort in discomfort we are able to admit life, and each moment, is fleeting. Building a foundation for a new life off of that awareness is the path to living a dynamic life.
“This too shall pass – it may pass like a kidney stone – but it will pass.”