5 Ways to Help a Loved One Through a Hard Time

We’ve all seen those posts on social media. you know, the list of “things not to say to people who are grieving.” Or the other list “things not to say to someone who is going through ____.”

Although these posts are meant to be helpful, oftentimes they’re not always useful.  We live in a society that isn’t very literate when it comes to dealing with painful, sad, or traumatic events and circumstances. Telling people things NOT to do when a loved one needs support or that they’re doing something wrong sets up an atmosphere of fear that can cause more distance and loneliness. 

This article is about how to support a loved one during difficult times is meant to be a gentle guide or suggestion to help you if someone you know is dealing with traumatic events, grief, loss or other challenging transitions. I approach this topic not just as a grief and trauma therapist but also as a human who has experienced many losses and difficult experiences.

Here’s how to help a loved one through a hard time:

1) Offer realistic support that is within your capacity.

Offer what is in your realistic energy capacity, capability, and time availability. When my dad died, the friend that offered me exactly what she was able to do with me and for me was the easiest person to reach out to. She offered to bring me dinner and to go for a walk with me if I needed to talk. Because her offer was kind and specific it was easier for me to reach out and ask for support as it was exactly what she suggested. 

Simple, specific offers are ideal to support someone you love during difficult times when they may be overwhelmed by emotions. Here are some ideas: 

• Go for a walk and talk

• Check on their animals

• Bring them coffee to the hospital

• Give them a Skip the Dishes credit so they can order dinner

• Offer to pick their kids up from school 

• Drop off a meal

• Be a liaison between them and others if they cannot keep others up to date on an ongoing difficult situation

• Go with them to a difficult appointment

• Offer to pick up a prescription on your way home from work

• Start a go fund me for them

Sometimes when we make blanket statements like “Let me know if you need anything!”, or “Let me know how I can help!”: even when they come from a place of goodwill and true heart-felt kindness, it can feel too broad and overwhelming for someone to reach out to us as they may feel that they are imposing and that their ask is too big or that you don’t have time to accommodate it.

2) Show up anyway.

It’s okay if you aren’t an expert on what someone is going through. Show up anyway. You may say the wrong thing. As a grief and trauma counsellor, my advice is to be kind, honest and show up even if you don’t say “all the right things”.

When someone you love is struggling, in pain or grieving, you can try saying: 

“I’m sorry, I don’t know what to say. I know this is incredibly hard and I just want you to know I care; I want to be there for you and I’m here.”

As a grief therapist, I hear people say that when big events like loss or illness come into their lives, they lose close friends. It’s painful. Sometimes when difficult things happen in the lives of people we know, it opens us up to the fear in ourselves that something could happen to us or other close family or friends we love. It can cause us to avoid spending time with those who need us the most. Notice if you have the urge to pull away from people when painful events or losses happen in their lives. It may be a sign that you need some support to work through some of your own past painful experiences and fears.

3) Invite them to things, even if you don’t think they will come.

It’s okay to invite them to things, even if they might not want to come. Don’t pressure, just offer. Also, keep offering. Sometimes, we just need to know that people care, are thinking of us and that we are welcome back to the places we used to enjoy going. 

Maybe this year someone who has lost their spouse does not want to attend your annual Christmas party. However, a year from now they may want to reconnect again. Don’t take it personally if they decline. If they do come and need to leave early, let that be okay and support their decision. You may want to offer a one-on-one visit if they appear to be overwhelmed with a lot of people.

4) Encourage them to find the right support.

Therapy, grief support groups, AA…. Whatever it is that they may offer support to this person or may be helpful. Encourage them to get support through online counselling (or in-person counselling) even if it’s not something you might personally do. When someone is going through something difficult such as a loss of a loved one or a health issue, often they need to build a community around them. If they need some help finding resources this can be a good place to offer your support.

Everyone deals with things differently, we can encourage people, but we can’t force them. After my stepdad died, my mom and I went to a grief support group together. I knew she wouldn’t go on her own, but it was helpful for both of us.

It can be hard to accept help, know that your loved one may come across as resistant because they may be scared. Oftentimes, they may not be ready to talk to a therapist so don’t be afraid to mention grief or trauma counselling again when the time appears right. 

If you would like to offer support to someone who lost a loved one, our grief and loss workbook may be a good start. 

5) Seek your own support.

I’ve seen many people who are in a caregiver role in their own lives reach burnout and have their own mental, emotional and physical health suffer. You are important too. Don’t downplay your role in supporting other loved ones. If you need support, I highly suggest carving out some time to get it. Even if it feels uncomfortable or selfish, it’s not. It ensures that you can keep showing up for yourself and the people you care about.

The fact that you care enough to try to help the person you love means a lot. It can be hard to watch someone struggle and to know that we don’t have control over every situation. There is no perfect way to be or to show up and sometimes situations won’t go the way we hope. When someone is going through a difficult time, they may be more sensitive emotionally than how they may have been in your previous experiences with them. Sometimes people who are in physical and emotional pain will give us uncomfortable feedback, consider reflecting on what has been shared with you before reacting.

Now that we’ve covered 5 ways to help someone who has lost or experienced hardship, would you add anything to this list? If you feel like sharing, please comment below.

During grief counselling or trauma counselling sessions, I can assure you that most people who are experiencing loss, pain or emotional anguish just want to be heard, have their feelings validated and know they have support.

Showing up with kindness for both our loved ones and ourselves is key. 

Written by: Corinna Killeen

Corinna is a Registered Therapeutic Counsellor (RTC) at Adventuring Loss with a focus on grief, anxiety and relationship counselling.

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